Pag-ibig

Bagong Taon na naman. May mga hirit na naman tayo ng pagbabago. Dami ang mangangako ng diet. Meron din na di na male-late. Yun iba siguro pagtitipid ang gustong gawin. Ewan lang kung matupad. Yun new year's resolution kasi parang pag-ibig lang. Kahit anong sabi mo at pangako mo, sa oras ng pagmamahal, laging bida ang "may bukas pa". Ilan ba sa mga kakilala natin ang matigas ang ulo at malambot ang puso sa pag-ibig? ilan ba tayong timang?


Si Marco:

"For the first time". Yan ang kwento natin. Sa may hagdan kita unang nakita. Nakahiga ka. Hindi ka kumikibo. Nakapikit ang mga mata. Kakahulog mo lang mula sa third floor ng gunsali ng eskwelahan natin. Nilapitan kita. Tinanong "Okey ka lang?" Nagmulat ka ng mata. Noon ang unang pagtatama ng ating mga mata. Ang dalawa kong mata sa iyong dalawang mata. Ang dalawa mong mata nakatingin sa isa ko lang mata. Unang tingin. Unang tibok. Unang pag-ibig.

Inalalayan kita para umupo sa hagdan. Hinawakan ko ang kamay mo. Para akong kinuryente sa unang pagdait ng palad ko sa palad mo. Noon ang unang holding hands natin. Malagkit kaagad. Pawisan ang palad mo.

Umupo ka sa hagdan. Tumabi ako sa'yo. Bumulong ka. Mahina lang. Hindi ko marinig. Lumapit ako. Bumulong kang muli. Mas mahaba ng kaunti sa una---pero hindi ko pa rin naintindihan. Mas lumapit ako sa'yo--nang muli kang bumulong. This time, nagsimula ng umamoy sa paligid. Sabi mo "sorry". Naintindihan ko. Unang pagtatabi. Unang amoy. Unang pag-ibig.


Si Tess:

Alas tres ng madaling araw. Para kang aswang na dumating sa buhay ko, madaling araw. Nasa kanto ako noon. Kumakain. Madilim pa ang paligid. Bigla kang dumating. Sabi mo bibili ka ng sabon. Unang dinig ko pa lang sa boses mo, alam ko nang mabaho ang hininga mo. Nagkagusto ako sa'yo. Sinundan kita ng tingin. Pumasok ka sa madilim na eskinita. Alas tres yun ng madaling araw.

Inabangan ko ang pagpasok mo sa school. Sinundan ulit kita. Sa labas ng eskwelahan, dun ako tumambay. Hinintay kita sa ilalim ng init ng araw. Bumili ako ng mani para almusal. Nang dumaan ang icrecream boy, meryenda naman. Siomai na lang ang tanghalian. Nilaro ko ang makukulay na itik upang di mainip sa paghihintay sa'yo. Naghintay lang ako.

Eksaktong alas tres ng hapon, lumabas ka na ng gate ng eskwelahan. May dala kang payong. Pinaandar ko ang tricycle ko. Ihahatid kita sa inyo.


Si Jill:

alam mo, you're super cute! Alam mo, weeee hiya ako, alam mo-- crush kita. AAhh. I like you talaga. Like, I saw you sa ano, sa hallway ng school. The first time I saw you--super kilig! You were dialing your nose. Weeeeeee ang cute mo! Tapos, you bilog bilog! weeeeeeee! kilig talaga! Gusto kitang lapitan noon pero I was shy kaya I sat na lang sa table near you. I looked at you. You were writing something. Tinitigan kita. Five hours kitang tiningnan. I looked at your hands. Waaaaaah daliri mo pa lang may muscles na! i laveeeet! Napatingin ako sa leeg mo. Lumunok ka. Waaaah dalawa ang adams apple mo. Nakakakilig! I looked at your eyes. Lumapit ako. Ang ganda ng mata mo. Ang haba ng eyelashes mo. Isa, dalawa, tatlo. Ay tatlo lang! I lab yu na talaga!


TBC

She and Love

With her, there's really no eternity. She has had her time and spent it looking pretty. Wilted as she is now, she has lost her fragrance. Her happy color has faded. What's left is just a trace of some history.. of good times spent with her friends and butterflies. Her faithful green friends still try to hold her. But the wind is blowing, softly at first, until it is over. She becomes just another forgotten pretty face in the pile of old-dried leaves.


With her, there's the gift of destiny. She has had her share of pain and cries. Her road at one point seemed so reluctant to bend and bring her luck. That she almost gave up, is also true. But there was hope. She decided to cling to it. The wind continues to blow, not softly as she would want to. Even harsher at times. Some scars are still there, but she has survived the fight. And when she thinks her world is happy enough, he walks into her sunny day and gives her rainbow. His presence brings her strength not for another fight, but for a celebration of a win. He looks at her, and she sees herself in his eyes. And she hopes, again. She smiles at the future. There's no hurry. There's no fear of being just another face in his world. For when she looks at his eyes, she sees herself holding his heart.

Love makes all the difference. Never too much nor too little, but just the kind that we need.



----

anubeh! sinapian na naman ako hehe

laws of love and gravity

Many of us have been fortunate enough to have found love of a great degree. A lot of us have experienced weeping over a love which ended. Though it was painful when it happened, only few of us actually regret being in that place at that time. It may be that painful, but the love itself that we felt almost makes up for the pain.

So what scares us when we fall in love? Is it our readiness? Or non-readiness, for that matter?

My theory is --it is the idea of falling. When we fall, we succumb to the magic of the law of gravity. We let go, whether it is our choice or not. The same thing happens when we fall in love. We fall, we succumb. We let go, hopefully because it is our choice. But even before a choice is made, we know falling is inevitable. And when we fall, we're not sure what awaits us. Will it be just a good old hard pavement or the arms that we're wishing to catch us?

She looked up into his eyes, and against all rules of gravity, she fell in love with him.

Time, whether a decade or just a year, was never a factor for fear. It never is. Only the act of falling.

Hope always accompanies fear. There's always hope that after the fall, what or who has fallen will be caught.

A great love finds its hearts. When one looks down, the other looks up, both of them fall, each heart waits and catches.


-------


my sabbatical leave has earned me a great one! yay!

lost and found and true love

Last night i found my voice. Today, i've found my words. It has been a long time, that it feels like so many years ago since i last wrote listening to my own voice. I've forgotten how it really sounded. For a long while, i penned words i got from listening to someone else's voice. I guess i didn't realize that i was lost, until i couldn't hear the resonance of my own voice. I tried looking for it in so many places, in strangers' hearts, in my friends' banter and advice-- i forgot to look first for and from where everything started--my heart.

I found my heart. I found my voice. I found my words.

I hope my friend will also find his. He's lost a part of his experience and growth because he's found his life. The one that completes his being. The reason why his heart would want to beat for this lifetime and the next. She who not merely excites him about life and living it, but whose smile reminds him of hope, of the beauty of sunrise, of rainbows after a little shower. She who has his heart. He has found her. I just hope, he soon will find his voice, his words.

True love knows when to happen. It follows its own time. It is only that people hesitate to listen lest it is too soon or too late. But a great love, once found, will find its own voice. And I have faith in John lloyd's great love. Love and its timing will surprise him when he finally tells her "i love you". For that is how love is-- never planned, always right on time.



Note:
i've been listening to his voice so frequently now that it feels like Lloydie has truly become a friend.

1.6. his thoughts, her thoughts

Love is irrevocable. Once admitted, once given, there’s no going back. I may be young but I know of this as much. This was what scared me most. So I thought of so many reasons, so many excuses not to finally face the truth. I invented so many ways of denying what was really happening. But I should have known better. For how can I turn a blind eye to something which exists not merely outside of me but inside my very heart? Even from the start I knew I was doomed to fall in love with him. The minute he smiled at me that day, I knew it to myself. My heart had been changed. There was no turning back.


I never knew I was in a journey, looking, until I found her. I know now it was inevitable. For a long time I struggled with how I felt. I wrestled with my feelings for her. I used all sorts of argument just so I could win over what I was truly feeling. I would have tried betting against myself if that’s possible just so I could avoid facing the truth. That I had fallen so deeply in love with her. But deep down also, I knew it was a lost battle. I knew it the first time I looked at her and sought her eyes. My life had been changed. My heart had taken control.


I smile and open my eyes wide. I see him in every corner of the room, smiling.


I smile and close my eyes. And even with my eyes closed I see her smile.


I don’t know when I’ll have the courage to be ready for a relationship. There’s one thing I’m so sure of though, I am ready to fall in love. I have been, since he entered my life.


I love her. I’m not sure how things will turn out. But I’ll be waiting until she’s ready. The other choice is simply out of the question. I love her, and there’s no other argument left.


----------
She smiles and sighs to herself.
He looks at her and smiles.


:-)

old butterfly

I've come to realize that life consists of different defining moments. There is the awakening-the "aha"-moment; and even that moment when one closes oneself off to the obvious truth. There's also the drifting along, or even the time of letting go. Every moment has its own story to tell. My life's moment now is defined by an old butterfly.

A caterpillar takes time in 'becoming'. It enjoys the process. It lives life though only borrowed. Then it is time to grow and fly. It comes out. The cocoon is left. A new life begins. A short one. This time as a butterfly--colorful, free, and pretty looking. But a short life.

And it flies and starts a life albeit knowing that it is almost at its end.

Some people are like that. They take so much time to grow. They stayed cocooned and safe for a long time, and when they are ready to fly and be free, their borrowed time is almost over. They have only less than half of the time they have been given. Most of it has been used in trying to be safe.

I'm not exactly sure if butterflies get old--whether one week old or more. If they do, at my age, sometimes i feel like the oldest butterfly.



note: wrote this a year ago or so, i thought of posting this for those people who are afraid to live life and just be happy. (*wink* to my BE friends hehe.... hi nadz! :-) )

1.5. Lloydie's Journal entry # 2

i saw her today. i saw her smile. i heard her laugh. She's happy.













and I'm happy.


I've never been happier in my life.











B: When you meet the one who makes you happy, you just love her...for always.

1.4. Sarah's Diary entry # 2

..........I'm very happy right now.

Thank you, Lord.











Thank you for him.







B: The first time i loved forever...the first time she loves forever. hehehe

1.3. Lloydie's Journal

Whew! It’s been a tiring week! We still have a few shots to finish and hopefully we’re done by next week. It’s been an exciting experience, acting with a great actress like Ate V. Also, with Luis around, it’s a good fun. And I’ve never been this happy. I thought this happiness was just an illusion on some people’s mind. But it’s true. This happiness is real.

She brings me this kind of happiness. Sarah inspires me to be a better man, at the same time to have fun being myself. Since I got to know her, my life indeed has changed. Haha --that has just made me laugh. I sound very much like Miggy. Yet it’s also true. Sarah has changed how I look at things now. I see everything from her eyes. Sometimes, I even find myself asking “how would Sarah think or feel about this?”. And look at me! I’m even writing about it.

Sarah said “happiness is a choice”. She’s right. We are the ones who can decide to be happy or not. But my happiness is more than a decision. I choose to be happy, yes, but I’m also inspired to be happy. I have peace of mind now. Lz and I are okay. We’re friends again, in a way. It was a good three-year-relationship while it lasted. I must admit, it was my fault. I thought we were okay being okay. But it was not okay, because we were not ok. At first, it was painful. I was still in denial. We were together for a long time after all. I’d been used to her being part of my life. I’m not sure when things started to change. I can’t even remember the last time we were happy, with just the two of us. And I think that had been our problem. We forgot to make each other happy. We took it for granted. And Lz is right. It was my fault. So, I think the only thing I can do now is at least make it up to her as a friend. So, we both can move on.

I’m smiling now as I write this. My friends, even those whom I work with, tell me I smile more now. Well, I just can’t help it. How do I explain it? It’s just there plastered on my face. I don’t also remember when I started smiling even to myself--parang abnoy lang-- haha. All I know is I like the feeling of being inspired and knowing that I’m also a source of someone’s inspiration. For now, this is okay for me. It’s not so complicated yet it’s a great feeling. Though, there are days that it’s not so enough. I miss her. I miss Sarah. More so now, because we’re both busy again. We hardly see each other. We text, we call, we chat—but it’s not the same with talking with her in person --I can look at her eyes. I love looking at Sarah’s eyes. I’m reminded that life is good, that the world is still full of goodness, and that love is real. Akala ko, di na’ko makakaramdam ng ganito.

I find it funny that it seems I’m back to being a high school kid--at my age! Just yesterday, I called Sarah and asked her where she was. She was in a recording studio. I told her, I was in the vicinity so I’d drop by. But the truth was, I was at home, way too far from where she was. But I couldn’t tell her that. She would not feel comfortable about it. I just had to see her. I went and brought her food. I was there for only an hour-- I had to rush for SMB. She was not coming. I was tempted to also stay. *sigh* So, this is how it feels like.

Right now, I’m waiting for the right time. I don’t want to jump into anything right away. I’d like to take my time. I’d like to spend more time with Sarah, but I’d also like to settle some things first so it’s fair to everyone. I’m taking my time now, because I see this thing I have with Sarah as forever. But I’m also wishing that today is the start of forever. Whew! I’m being mushy again. Much like my Greenwich commercial haha. I don't feel well, also tired. I’m gonna sleep now. But I’m still smiling.




B: wahahahaha!! i was doing something this afternoon when i suddenly heard Loydie talking in my head. Aha! I found his journal! i had to stop what i was doing and start listening to his voice. lagot ako! eavesdropping hahaha

Brosia's Thoughts... in serious mode

Lately, I’ve been discovering a new meaning of FRIENDSHIP. To me, it’s just one of those relationships. You try to nurture it. You spend time with your buddies to keep it. You respect and accept your guys so you all stay in the relationship. Yet ever since I’ve been part of this circle of people I met in the ASHLLOYD pex thread, I’ve started to see friendship in a different light. Not totally different, but in a clearer light.

These people are total strangers to me. In most times, I don’t even have an idea where this person is or if she is really from that place. Or if she really is a she or a he for that matter. Yet, I get to know them because we share something in common…we share our love for Sarah and John Lloyd. I heard it said that pain is a good equalizer. That love and music are good common grounds. And these are all true. I also say that trust mutually given, which may not be possible at all times, is a good starting point to build a friendship such as what I now have with my fellow kabaldiks.

I don’t know how it happened. How it started. How it was made possible. That we share secrets with people we only know through posting in pex. Weird as it may sound, but that’s the truth. And I have a theory that it’s because we all learned from one person. “Maniwala na lang tayo sa goodness” Laida Magtalas says. And we believe Sarah herself would say it also. We in ASHLLOYD thread believe in the goodness of a person. Trust in the goodness of a person. Of course, as Miggy Montenegro says we are a work in progress so sometimes we forget, we fail, but at the end of the day Sarah/Laida’s love for goodness keeps us all together. That goodness in Sarah reminds us all why we’re in a friendship. (That same goodness of heart is probably the reason—among others of course-- why she is special to a John Lloyd Cruz; she helps him still believe in love).

In any kind of relationship, we know we’ll have our rainy days. We’ll probably have to weather a storm or two. But as Laida and Miggy (Sarah and Lloydie) do it, may we just learn to go through everything together by sundancing it. After all, as it is also said “there’s sunshine after the rain”. As Lloydie learns from Sarah, may we also continue to believe in goodness and always have faith in love.



Share ko rin lang:

Lloydie’s Prayer:
“You know how special she is to me. God, please protect her. Please protect what we have.”



and we all say...----



B:to my newfound baldik-friends, you know who you are...weh...thank you!!!

1.2. LLOYDIE's cluttered thoughts

It’s been a rainy week. Not a perfect time to clean my room. A perfect reason not to clean my room. Actually, I’ve been putting off a lot of things these days, not just my try-to-remove-all-the-clutter-in-my-room chore. I’m busy with something else ( or up to something, if you like being accurate with words). Hmmm….I’ve been trying to look where John Lloyd keeps his journal. No success yet. But for somebody who keeps a cluttered room—-DVDs everywhere, unused pants thrown in the chair, towel he used the night before, shoes at the foot of his bed—he leaves his mark very well. And I found something really, really interesting.

I found a crumpled note, just beside his waste basket.

It may not be Lloydie’s journal yet, but exactly, what shall we find when we read his ‘cluttered thoughts’?






As i've said, I'm still looking for it, but this note says a lot about the fragments of thoughts that we might find in his journal.






whoah!!! i can't believe i did that! But, can you blame me for being curious? waaaahhh this time, forgive me Lloydie... kaya lang kasi, it's lying "there" for everyone to "see"...

Chapter I : SWEET LOVE and DIARIES

1.1
SARAH G'S DIARY #1 her birthday entry

Two days after my birthday. I enjoyed the five days off they have given me. I was able to spend time with my family. It kinda felt weird not needing to get up early but I appreciate the rest. It’s been a non-stop whole year for me. Not that I’m complaining. I’ve been so blessed. Thank you Lord. I was just dreaming. I never thought it would come to this. It’s worth all the puyat, pagod, all the sacrifices.

Yesterday was ASAP. It was Sunday. Sunday is my favorite day as you know. It has been for a long time now. I enjoy performing before ASAP’s audience. Come to think of it, I love to perform whether it’s on ASAP’s stage or on any other stage. It’s just that ASAP’s stage is like home to me. I have my friends backing me up on the side.

Last night was fun too. i was able to spend some time with friends, though i felt bad for my friend. Good thing, she's ok now.

I’m afraid to say this. I feel that putting what I have to say in words will make it truer. And truth most times can be painful. I’m not sure if I’m ready yet to get hurt. But, it’s what I feel right now, so I share my secrets to you even for just today.

Sunday has become my favorite day because of one person, because of this one guy. I didn’t realize how special he had become to me until it was already too late. I was already affected by his mere presence --or absence. We started as acquaintances, then we worked together, and we became friends. I love being his friend. He knows how to make me feel special. And I always have to convince myself and remind myself that I am just that—a friend. I may feel that I’m special to him, but I am just a friend. Nothing more. I’m not ready yet to feel anything more for anyone—especially for him. Friendship is safe.

I miss the old days—the shooting days, I mean. Everyday, I was looking forward to shooting and seeing him. Well, because we’re friends. And I like spending time with him. He makes me happy. But lately, it has been like a roller coaster ride. The friendship was not so safe anymore. I know I like him. I’m not sure if he likes me as much. I know I’m special to him though I’m not sure how much. I’m afraid to find out. And I’m not ready yet. But I like him. Now, it has become hard to be close to him because people notice. Or to avoid him because what would he think? It’s difficult because I want to stay friends with him, yet I feel something for him. Friendship really isn’t safe anymore. I've never been in this situation before. This is a first for me.

Tomorrow will be another day. I guess, I’ll have to take each day as it comes. Hopefully I will always have the strength to keep my emotions at bay. Lord, please help me. For now, I will like him from afar. And if he really likes me, I wish he will wait for me. Until I am ready. I hope because he knows me, he knows also that he too is special to me.

I know I’m special to him (especially as a friend). This guy’s so sweet and generous. Last time for my birthday, he surprised me with an LV.

And yesterday, he gave me THIS GIFT. Thank you...




B: please, forgive me OO. But i do wonder what's his 'real' gift for you.

I say

I won’t claim to know the people I will be writing about. I’m not even sure if by digging into their deepest secrets and reading their journal entries and diaries I'm not committing a mortal sin. I just write from the heart. If I sound like I know these people, it might be because I do actually know them. By heart. Not personally, but by heart.

Every year, on my birthday, I write about what has happened the past year and how I feel at the moment. Today is my birthday. So, I will do that.

I also think that one of my two favorite persons in the world does that too. So, I decided to take a peek at the pages of her diary and imagine what I’d read and find out. It’s a sacred page I know. And it really doesn’t feel right reading someone else’s secret thoughts. Then, I just remind myself (you also, who will be reading them) that all of these things are secrets from my OWN HEART.

The first entry is Sarah’s…

My Birthday Poem

Out of my reverie,

I was awaken

Summoned to a clearing, familiar.

My heart is weak

My faith trembles.

What if I found myself in the shambles?

What would my words be?

My feet shall carry me

I know

Yet to where

I know not

Not yet, at least.

My soul is wayward

The mind divided

But the Voice insists

Calm but oh so firm

Soothes my fear.

My resolve strengthens

Fired with a new hope

Shivers still run through me

Threatening my faith

I close my eyes and lift my face to heaven

There it is

My north star, ever constant.

And slowly, with only a slight quiver

I make my newest step

I falter, but, I continue the journey.







11:59 pm

of

July 27,2007


mos:
this was written two years ago...that long since i last felt that way.

My First Post

Here, I will try to write about what inspires me. These days, Sarah and John Lloyd and their love story, though only created in my head, inspire my mind and my hands to action. My heart, included. I feel deeply for these two strangers. They affect my being. I'm writing again.

It's scary. The fact that i'm writing again scares the heck out of me. Writing gives me no choice but to open myself up for stares. And people do. However uninteresting it is, people stay and stare. I'm never comfortable in being vulnerable. I know myself. At first it'll be okay to share my innermost thoughts, my emotions—then i'd start to feel the need to clam up and protect myself again. I have to take control again. But emotions are not meant to be controlled; just handled the right way, but never to be controlled. I've learned this recently from a friend. I read his answers in an interview. I watched his interviews. I learned from him a lot. I learned that how ever much we try sometimes, our emotions—love especially, just snake their way out. They embrace us from behind, when we least expect them. And because of this new learning, I make a resolve to be open to any possibility. I might get hurt in the process, but i'll have to remember that it's inevitable.

I will write about just anything. Another friend taught me not to be afraid to be myself. She said, it's hard to live a life full of pretensions so try not to be someone you are not. So, I will write what I want to write about. And if words fail me, or if my linguistic know-how limits me, then I will have to accept that. I will not pretend to be any good, nor hide behind big but empty words. I will just be myself.

You will find yourself shaking your head as you read my thoughts. You will not agree with my ideas. You will find them boring, and so amateurish. I know you will. That's okay. As i've said, I don't claim to be any good. I just write. But if you find yourself wondering about that tiny twitch there in the region where your heart is—go ahead. Pay attention to that tiny flutter. It might just be your heart talking to me. I will try to talk to you heart to heart. My head will remind me to stop. But I promise to try and stay and talk to you through my written words.


my other self: see, the first post is just more on mumbling.