ambrosia's chocnuts: Love's awaiting

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Love's awaiting

It's been a long while since i last wrote down my thoughts. It seems so many things have happened, when in reality there's really not much.

I've fallen in love with him, and he's had also, I know. He brings color to my life. He adds energy to my day. He makes up most of my happiness. And I do love him.

I love John Lloyd.

There, i've said it. I'm gonna love him for a really long time.

But time is not our friend right now. I wanna tell him, yes, I'm ready but I just know i'm not. Not yet. But I love him.

Because of this, I'm scared.

I'm scared that he might not wait for me. I'm scared that he will soon realize that I'm not the one for him, after all. I'm scared that he's gonna live his life without me.

I'm scared that he will find someone else.

I'd like to take a risk and jump in with him. Yet, every time I think of this, I also remember what is at stake when I do that. I try to remind myself that if he is the right guy for me, God will bring our roads together eventually.

That if he really loves me, he'll be waiting even if i don't ask him to.

I've always been secured of his love for me that when I started not getting any text or call from him, I felt like panicking. Is he finally moving on?

It hurts even just thinking that I might not be the most important person in his life anymore. I realized that. And when i saw him again, I wanted to say yes to whatever question he might ask that day. But he didn't ask me anything.

He just loved me that day.

He let me know and realize that it's not just him who is waiting...i am waiting for him too...and our love.

Our love's awaiting. I smile more these days, again. He does too. And he loves me.

Sarah

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B: I've gone through the same thing, loving someone yet waiting for the right time... these thoughts might be Sarah's, who knows?..hehe

para sa lahat ng nagmamahal..

"may tamang oras para sa lahat ng bagay"--john lloyd cruz

ate pie, *wink, *wink

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Who is Brosia?

I am Brosia. Not my real name but it's the name of my alter-ego. My other self. I've been a Brosia for awhile now. It's like a second skin to me already. I feel comfortable with it. It's like a mask, hand-made for me. Don't get me wrong. I like my real name. It's just that Brosia gives me the freedom that I need from the prying eyes of the world. It gives me anonymity. It gives me security. It keeps me sane. As Brosia, I can be whoever I want to be. I can also be as painfully honest as possible.

I always say that i'm a perfect example of "extreme paradox". So, if i were to try to describe myself, there'd be no simple way to do it. I'm a complicated individual. the only thing not complicated about me is my life. Everything else is. Including my thoughts on certain things. Especially my thoughts on certain things. i also like arguing with myself. So if now, i post these descriptions of myself, i might not agree about them anymore two weeks from now. i will have to change them. I'm a work in progress. I'm faithful to that idea. I keep that true and alive.

I have a fondness for chocolate ice cream. It has to be chocolate flavored. To me, an ice cream has to be chocolate. Cakes too. They have to be chocolate. Pancit canton should be hot and spicy. Coke should be ice-cold. Ulam must be sour and not sweet. Dessert has to be sweet. Rice should be white. Water must come from the refrigerator--whether it's already cold or not yet. Alarm clock should snooze twice only. Umbrellas are to be used only when it rains—never in summer. These are the things that are constant to me. Everything else can change.

But these are also true about me:

With a bad case of amnesia and alzheimer's disease,doesn't have any memorized song,drinks,no to hard,love language is time,feels weird about people who are generous with their praises (excluding people in my groups),loves to blog about sarahG & JLC,couch potato, book-addict (book-worm doesn't describe me),will watch any fave show or movie until i have memorized all the lines already,saw (still watching) my fave movies more than 30x,grey's anatomy, 'seriously!', enjoys smart lines, doesn't bother much with gadgets even cellphones ,can never be a techie,can 'not' comb hair in one week, sucker for romance-whatever or korean, cannot leave the house without a ball pen and a notebook, John as fave gospel, Paul as fave apostle,doesn't reply to text messages if there's no question, doesn't sleep, would rather stay up reading or watching-(people say it's weird but i feel normal),counts the stars in every opportunity,loves to stay home when it's raining,(rain brings a feeling of Saturday afternoon so when it rains, whatever time that is, for me it's Saturdayafternoon),impatient,conservative, loud,personality is extreme-contrasts, twisted, not sweet nor thoughtful, funny without trying or planning to, knows corny jokes only, can be soooo unreasonable in the morning, peak hour is 12midnight, fresh and creative ideas are usually realized in our comfort room, strict with students, crazy when with them,can eat Jollibee B1 everyday, will die if chicken becomes extinct, but won't die because of too much in take of pancit canton—it will last me a lifetime and another, forgets diet because of pizza.

I have a faithful God...

When He calls you, say YES first, then ask questions later...works better that way, life becomes easier... :-)

loved written words. I say that in past tense.

It's been awhile since i last wrote even in my journal. To be honest, i cannot remember anymore if it was last year or the year before that. i don't know what happened. i just woke up one late morning having no desire nor the inspiration to put my thoughts to written words. i just lost my connection to words. i lost all emotions also. nada. i just didn't care.

Until i met a new hero. she writes about Sarah and John Lloyd. her stories about them remind me of my lost love--for writing, of course. so, in her honor, and for my friends who have always encouraged me to write, and for the baldiks, i will try. i'm going to try. Again.

I only know jumbled thoughts. i can't claim to be a good writer. i just write my thoughts down. so, if you find yourself lost in the midst of my woven words and stories here, i say, you have been warned.