ambrosia's chocnuts: April 2010

Friday, April 9, 2010

For the love of my life

Dear Sarah,

I'm not gonna hide behind my words. I'll give it to you short. I miss you. That's the least of all the feelings that I'm going through right now.

When you told me last that you needed space, though I knew it was not going to be easy, I agreed.

I thought it was something that I could just go through, after all I've been through a lot. I was wrong. I began to miss you. I just had to talk to you even to merely hear your voice. And when you started not receiving my calls anymore nor any of my texts, I was in hell. At least, that's how it felt like.

I know that space is what you need, and I should be willing to give that to you. But in my heart, I need your presence for my life becomes an vacuum---empty without you.

But I know that it would be so selfish of me to demand that from you. I'd be willing to accept even if it's just friendship.

I would even go for a once in awhile "hi" whenever you remember me. But please, not a total cut off. I'd go crazy. Really.

Right now, I'm just trying to survive each day. I spend my time going out with friends, and meeting new ones--while I wait for you.

I don't even know if I should be waiting, but I AM.

There's no other way. That's the only choice I'm willing to consider. I'm not sure what's going to happen next. How we're going to be. Where things will be. But I'm hoping--and praying a lot too--that when your heart is ready, I'm already the man worthy of what you're willing to give.

You are the love of my life.

I can just see my future, there shining and wonderful, each time you smile at me. That's what gets me going these days.

Your smile reminds me of the presence of the future, and that there is indeed "in time" in all this waiting.

But let me also tell you today that "I miss you more each day". Sundays will be my most favorite day.

John Lloyd

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B: ahaha...sa mga nagrequest, here goes SF's version of Love's awaiting.

Who is Brosia?

I am Brosia. Not my real name but it's the name of my alter-ego. My other self. I've been a Brosia for awhile now. It's like a second skin to me already. I feel comfortable with it. It's like a mask, hand-made for me. Don't get me wrong. I like my real name. It's just that Brosia gives me the freedom that I need from the prying eyes of the world. It gives me anonymity. It gives me security. It keeps me sane. As Brosia, I can be whoever I want to be. I can also be as painfully honest as possible.

I always say that i'm a perfect example of "extreme paradox". So, if i were to try to describe myself, there'd be no simple way to do it. I'm a complicated individual. the only thing not complicated about me is my life. Everything else is. Including my thoughts on certain things. Especially my thoughts on certain things. i also like arguing with myself. So if now, i post these descriptions of myself, i might not agree about them anymore two weeks from now. i will have to change them. I'm a work in progress. I'm faithful to that idea. I keep that true and alive.

I have a fondness for chocolate ice cream. It has to be chocolate flavored. To me, an ice cream has to be chocolate. Cakes too. They have to be chocolate. Pancit canton should be hot and spicy. Coke should be ice-cold. Ulam must be sour and not sweet. Dessert has to be sweet. Rice should be white. Water must come from the refrigerator--whether it's already cold or not yet. Alarm clock should snooze twice only. Umbrellas are to be used only when it rains—never in summer. These are the things that are constant to me. Everything else can change.

But these are also true about me:

With a bad case of amnesia and alzheimer's disease,doesn't have any memorized song,drinks,no to hard,love language is time,feels weird about people who are generous with their praises (excluding people in my groups),loves to blog about sarahG & JLC,couch potato, book-addict (book-worm doesn't describe me),will watch any fave show or movie until i have memorized all the lines already,saw (still watching) my fave movies more than 30x,grey's anatomy, 'seriously!', enjoys smart lines, doesn't bother much with gadgets even cellphones ,can never be a techie,can 'not' comb hair in one week, sucker for romance-whatever or korean, cannot leave the house without a ball pen and a notebook, John as fave gospel, Paul as fave apostle,doesn't reply to text messages if there's no question, doesn't sleep, would rather stay up reading or watching-(people say it's weird but i feel normal),counts the stars in every opportunity,loves to stay home when it's raining,(rain brings a feeling of Saturday afternoon so when it rains, whatever time that is, for me it's Saturdayafternoon),impatient,conservative, loud,personality is extreme-contrasts, twisted, not sweet nor thoughtful, funny without trying or planning to, knows corny jokes only, can be soooo unreasonable in the morning, peak hour is 12midnight, fresh and creative ideas are usually realized in our comfort room, strict with students, crazy when with them,can eat Jollibee B1 everyday, will die if chicken becomes extinct, but won't die because of too much in take of pancit canton—it will last me a lifetime and another, forgets diet because of pizza.

I have a faithful God...

When He calls you, say YES first, then ask questions later...works better that way, life becomes easier... :-)

loved written words. I say that in past tense.

It's been awhile since i last wrote even in my journal. To be honest, i cannot remember anymore if it was last year or the year before that. i don't know what happened. i just woke up one late morning having no desire nor the inspiration to put my thoughts to written words. i just lost my connection to words. i lost all emotions also. nada. i just didn't care.

Until i met a new hero. she writes about Sarah and John Lloyd. her stories about them remind me of my lost love--for writing, of course. so, in her honor, and for my friends who have always encouraged me to write, and for the baldiks, i will try. i'm going to try. Again.

I only know jumbled thoughts. i can't claim to be a good writer. i just write my thoughts down. so, if you find yourself lost in the midst of my woven words and stories here, i say, you have been warned.