ambrosia's chocnuts: August 2010

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I try not to..

Dear Sarah,

It's crazy I know. I'm writing this yet knowing also that I'm never gonna give this to you. At least, not right now. I don't have the right to tell you anything. The day I chose to stay away, I lost that right. But I'm not sure I could survive myself if I just kept everything inside. Really, that is CRAZY.

When I decided to stop just thinking about you and what we could ever be, I didn't really understand what I was doing. I just knew then that I was hurting so much-- not being able to talk to you moreso be with you. I was always so looking forward to seeing you and talking with you, that when you avoided me, my world just crumbled. I felt lost. And hurt. But what hurt me more was I knew that if I tried to change your mind, it'd hurt you. It'd be hard for you. So, I chose to stop.

I tried to pick myself up again. I couldn't just give up on myself. There's the now, I had to remind myself of that. I went out with friends. I went out with her. She is my present now. With her, things are easy. With her, I can be whoever or whatever I am. With her, I don't get hurt. With her, I am allowed not to feel too much. And I think, that's what my heart needs now, a rest from loving too much.

Yes, there's the now. That's what I tell myself everyday. Yet, there are those moments also that thoughts of the future just manage to slip out. I try to put reign on those thoughts. They should be kept inside. But whenever I see you, or I think of you, I remember to hope again.

That, in time, there's a future for the two of us.

So, I start to smile when I say your name.

If i'm hurting you now, I'm sorry.

Right now, I know only one way to love you. Either I love you completely or I try not to love you.

I try.

Until I'm reminded of your smile. Of the next Sunday. Of your laughter, and the sound of it. Of your eyes. Of the hope for the future...Of our love's own time.

Love,

Idan

:D

Who is Brosia?

I am Brosia. Not my real name but it's the name of my alter-ego. My other self. I've been a Brosia for awhile now. It's like a second skin to me already. I feel comfortable with it. It's like a mask, hand-made for me. Don't get me wrong. I like my real name. It's just that Brosia gives me the freedom that I need from the prying eyes of the world. It gives me anonymity. It gives me security. It keeps me sane. As Brosia, I can be whoever I want to be. I can also be as painfully honest as possible.

I always say that i'm a perfect example of "extreme paradox". So, if i were to try to describe myself, there'd be no simple way to do it. I'm a complicated individual. the only thing not complicated about me is my life. Everything else is. Including my thoughts on certain things. Especially my thoughts on certain things. i also like arguing with myself. So if now, i post these descriptions of myself, i might not agree about them anymore two weeks from now. i will have to change them. I'm a work in progress. I'm faithful to that idea. I keep that true and alive.

I have a fondness for chocolate ice cream. It has to be chocolate flavored. To me, an ice cream has to be chocolate. Cakes too. They have to be chocolate. Pancit canton should be hot and spicy. Coke should be ice-cold. Ulam must be sour and not sweet. Dessert has to be sweet. Rice should be white. Water must come from the refrigerator--whether it's already cold or not yet. Alarm clock should snooze twice only. Umbrellas are to be used only when it rains—never in summer. These are the things that are constant to me. Everything else can change.

But these are also true about me:

With a bad case of amnesia and alzheimer's disease,doesn't have any memorized song,drinks,no to hard,love language is time,feels weird about people who are generous with their praises (excluding people in my groups),loves to blog about sarahG & JLC,couch potato, book-addict (book-worm doesn't describe me),will watch any fave show or movie until i have memorized all the lines already,saw (still watching) my fave movies more than 30x,grey's anatomy, 'seriously!', enjoys smart lines, doesn't bother much with gadgets even cellphones ,can never be a techie,can 'not' comb hair in one week, sucker for romance-whatever or korean, cannot leave the house without a ball pen and a notebook, John as fave gospel, Paul as fave apostle,doesn't reply to text messages if there's no question, doesn't sleep, would rather stay up reading or watching-(people say it's weird but i feel normal),counts the stars in every opportunity,loves to stay home when it's raining,(rain brings a feeling of Saturday afternoon so when it rains, whatever time that is, for me it's Saturdayafternoon),impatient,conservative, loud,personality is extreme-contrasts, twisted, not sweet nor thoughtful, funny without trying or planning to, knows corny jokes only, can be soooo unreasonable in the morning, peak hour is 12midnight, fresh and creative ideas are usually realized in our comfort room, strict with students, crazy when with them,can eat Jollibee B1 everyday, will die if chicken becomes extinct, but won't die because of too much in take of pancit canton—it will last me a lifetime and another, forgets diet because of pizza.

I have a faithful God...

When He calls you, say YES first, then ask questions later...works better that way, life becomes easier... :-)

loved written words. I say that in past tense.

It's been awhile since i last wrote even in my journal. To be honest, i cannot remember anymore if it was last year or the year before that. i don't know what happened. i just woke up one late morning having no desire nor the inspiration to put my thoughts to written words. i just lost my connection to words. i lost all emotions also. nada. i just didn't care.

Until i met a new hero. she writes about Sarah and John Lloyd. her stories about them remind me of my lost love--for writing, of course. so, in her honor, and for my friends who have always encouraged me to write, and for the baldiks, i will try. i'm going to try. Again.

I only know jumbled thoughts. i can't claim to be a good writer. i just write my thoughts down. so, if you find yourself lost in the midst of my woven words and stories here, i say, you have been warned.