Chapter III: 3.1. Ringtones and Forgiveness

There was only silence for one whole forever year.

Their last talk was painful. But the silence that followed it, that was death for her.

She learned to go through life with only quick deep breaths as she tried to ride the pain. Every day. Every minute. Every second.

That night, when she was taking her longest deep breath, he broke the silence.

There was that tone again. At first, she thought she was humming it in her head. She sometimes found herself doing that, just before her quick relief of deep breath. But this time, the ringing was incessant.

With her heart in her mouth, she pressed the key.

“Hello”

Does her voice sound hesitant? Afraid? Does it sound just normal? Sarah thought. I’m hurting. Why just now? Why call me again? Her heart was also participating in the conversation.

Silence at the other end.

She waited. A few more seconds.

“Hello.” Her hand gripping the phone.

Another second. Her heart outside her chest now. She opened her mouth again, not sure of what she wanted to do.

Click.

Line was dead.

She felt her heart squeezed. She thought she was past another death. Apprarently, she was not. She could feel a big fist squeezing her heart, the pain was like another death.

She took a quick deep breath.

***

One week.

One month.

Each day, she survived the pain by the quick deep breaths that she took.

Sarah had not seen John Lloyd since the last ASAP production number they had. She had not talked to him. He was silent. And it was hurting her.

The pain was always coupled with frustration. She knew if she had chosen him, she wouldn’t be hurting this way. When she decided she was not ready for him yet, Sarah knew the consequence of that. She even expected it in a way. That he could fall for someone else. But there was that hope. Her heart hoped that John Lloyd could wait until she was ready.

He could not. He did not wait. He fell for another girl, who was pretty, and talented, and who was ready to be in a relationship that he was offering.

That was painful.

Yet, Sarah continued to hope. Her faith in what they had never wavered. Oh, sometimes she would succeed in convincing herself that everything had changed and it was time to let go and move on. For a few days. Or a few hours. Then, her heart would give a painful squeeze reminding herself of what she missed, of what she wished for. And Sarah would utter a prayer. Her faith still in love.

So she continued to wait.

And that was frustrating.

It rang again. The tone seemed shrilly this time, as if very eager to break the silence.

Sarah was in her room. She looked at the phone. Her heart jumping outside her chest once again.

She let it ring for a few more seconds before picking it up. This time she did not breathe at all.

“Hello” Sarah heard her voice. Steady, but louder than what she prefered it to be.

“Hello Sarah, it’s Idan--It's John Lloyd” A voice from the other end said.

Silence.

John Lloyd had finally said hello. He was talking to her again. But Sarah didn’t know what to say. She was not breathing yet. Should she take a deep breath first? She felt her heart gave a tiny squeeze.

“Sarah?” John Lloyd asked from the other end.

“I know. It’s your number." Sarah answered.

"It’s our ringtone.” She murmured.

One long big gulp of breath, not quick ones. She closed her eyes.

“How are you?” She quickly said.

Sarah felt John Lloyd’s smile even before he answered. “Thank you.”

“Yeah.” Lame, but how does she answer that? She bopped herself. Sarah understood its meaning. That was for still remembering and acknowledging the tone. Should she just pretend otherwise?

“I have so many things that I’d like to tell you that i don’t know where to start. I’ve made a script in my head so I could be coherent when i talk to you, but words are failing me now." John Lloyd confessed, words trying to get past one another.

“Now, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for still talking to me. Thank you for ---Oh God, I missed you!” He told her.

Sarah looked down where her heart was supposed to be. Checking if it was still there or if it had run somewhere already, because that was how her heart was feeling right now. Her heart was running. She had to take quick deep breaths again, for her heart’s sake.

“Sarah, I missed you. And i’m still also using our ringtone”

He didn’t say it, but Sarah heard it nevertheless. She heard him say “I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“I shouldn’t be telling you that but..”

Sarah made a decision. She cut him off. “Let’s not talk about that now, maybe tomorrow or next week. But not now. Tell me about your new movie.”

Sarah smiled and lay down on her bed. Ready for a long night talk.

:)

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Thank you ate A for that article Buntong Hininga.. :)